Matt Dillon/Arctic Monkeys (03.11.2006)

This blog entry is yet another companion piece to the latest episode of the We Heart Hader Podcast which you can listen to here.

Spring Break Cold Open

Four young college girls (Dratch, Poehler, Rudolph, Wiig) excitedly detail their alcohol and drug soaked Spring Break plans at the airport within earshot of one of their parents who drove them all here. (Parnell & Paula Pell).

• Boy, this one aged…weird. I'm guessing Tina wrote this because it does reek of her “putting down other women” style of comedy. This feels like a left over season 30 sketch.

• I regret to inform you all that, once again, we are getting unconfirmed reports that Tina Fey may or may not have been like the other girls during this, the week of March 11, 2006.

• I liked Wiigs’ line about meeting up with a guy in Amsterdam she met on MySpace because she “thought it would be fun to try group sex & hash in the same week” just fine.

• Dratchs’ lines about going to Chechnya “because the drinking age there is NINE” and “bringing her own roofies” to which Poehler reminds with a random shout of “girl power!” stands out as a big “yikes”.

• Wiig has a line about bringing a Luna bar because she “swore she would eat something this year” and “rum showers on the beach” aren't great either (neither are Poehlers’ lines about Girls Gone Wild and finding a $10 bill in her butt followed by her stating she is a women's studies/feminist literature for that matter)

• Mayas’ lines about riding around in random cars in Cancun and her friend being missing after encountering an “all you can suck beer hose” is…unsettling. I didn't totally hate her line about having her bikini cut off for the “hot boobs contest” due to an extreme sunburn.

• I mean, the reveal of Parnell being Rudolphs’ dad was funny but it may not have been worth it.

• At least it was nice to get a non-political cold open for once buy I have to wonder if this was the original cold open in dress and if not what could've bombed hard enough for then to go with this instead.

• I guess a group LFNY would be fun for this era since they wouldn't be as necessarily overdone as they would be in the last five or six years, but now…it doesn't look so great. C-

Monologue 

Matt Dillon reads the acceptance speech he prepared for that years’ Oscar's had he won Best Actor for “Crash”

• Hoo boy, speaking of things that didn't exactly age well, this monologue is basically just “Oops! All Hacky 2000s Racist Stereotypes.” (Asians being visually interchangeable, Hispanics working Harder than everyone else, Middle Easterners bring “surprisingly” clean and nice, guys working in wardrobe, Jewish guys producing everything…yep, this monologues’ got ‘em all).

• I get that “Crash” was being criticized at the time for it's hack takes on race relations and basically just being a poor mans’ “Do The Right Thing” set in LA but…I would still like to think they could've done better (even if I get the sense that Dillon himself also wanted to pile on making fun of this movie).

• Even the lines about him not having seen Terrence Howard's “pimp movie” (Hustle & Flow?) and Ludacris “stretching as an actor” weren't great.

• The lines about his “big Irish family” were perhaps the most disappointing of all. D+

prisonmate.net

Dr. L. M. Fontaine (Mitchell) wants to find you the inmate of your dreams.

• This was just a brief eHarmomy spoof. MADtv would do quite a few of these in a couple of years.

• The testimonials from Dratch, Wiig and Poehler were just OK. I'm not sure Finesse would've been the right pitchman for this (hell, even Kenan would be too obvious a choice) but at least Finesse made the most out of his part.

• This probably would have benefitted from Hader and Forte playing two random prisoners but I did get a kick out of seeing writer Bryan Tucker in Hannibal Lecter like restraints.

• Pretty short ad. Not much to this. Just some quick filler. C-

SportsCenter

Dan Patrick (Meyers) and Stuart “Booyah!” Scott (Mitchell) interview Barry Bonds (Thompson) his personal trainer Greg Anderson (Dillon) and Giants mascot Lou The Seal (Samberg V/O) about the ongoing steroid scandal in baseball.

• I've seen enough of the real Dan Patrick that I would’ve picked Sudeikis to play him but Seth and Finesse both did a fine job anchoring this (no pun intended). Plus, Seth's enough of a sports fan that I would’ve guessed he wrote this.

• Kenan pretty much steals this as a version of Barry Bonds that now has giant, unwieldy fake rubber hands that barely function.

• Dillon was solid in his support role that really played up the slight “meat head/bro” vibes he gave off all night.

• Samberg as a goofy voiced Seal mascot was funny as was Hader in his brief appearance injecting his butt with steroids. B+

Digital Short: Doppelganger

Meyers, Forte & Samberg pick out each others’ “dopplegangers” on the street (Meyers in a top hat, Forte with a mustache & Sanz) on their lunch break.

• There wasn't much to this premise besides Seth & Will thinking Horatio as a slovenly homeless guy with gloves was a dead ringer for Andy (even over Andy himself with a green bandana around his neck).

• Still, this worked more for me once they heightened it to the point where Will shot Andy because he couldn't tell him apart from a gloveless Horatio and THEN realizing they shot the wrong guy.

• I do like revisiting these lower key small observational sketch-like non musical Digital Shorts from Andy's first two seasons, though. B-

2 A-Holes At A Travel Agency

A-holes (Sudeikis & Wiig) frustrate a travel agent (Dillon) with their inability to focus on choosing a vacation destination from all of their presented options.

• Typical 2 A-Holes silliness. This was silly enough without being too frustrating.

• Dillon held his own here but he wasn't the greatest foil to the A-Holes. It seemed like he was playing it too lowkey and composed compared to other hosts in previous A-holes sketches.

• The absolute height of this was when they started telling Dillons’ character they wanted to go to Hogwarts and then Wiig pointed to a framed picture of a plane and said she wanted to go there. B+

How To Order Sushi Like A CEO

A CEO Business Type (Dillon) advertises his book detailing how to impress clients and beleaguered waitstaff (Rudolph) at a sushi restaurant by convincing them (and hopefully even yourself someday) that you're a sushi expert and connoisseur.

• For some reason, this is a character I could see Jon Hamm pretty much nailing if they did this in his era of hosting. Maybe I'm saying this because their voices sound similar or Matt Dillon in a “corporate executive” type role gives me slight Don Draper vibes, but…just an observation.

• Maya doing a slightly questionable Asian accent seems…off to me, but I can let that slide as Dillons’ character is more the butt of the joke here than she is. Plus, her wild facial expressions upon exiting the scene were funny.

• Dillons line about loving nothing more than business sushi lunches “except mid morning fellatio” got a laugh. 

• His exaggerated distaste for actually eating sushi (to the point where he actually spits a sea urchin across the room) was played just well enough to dovetail well with the basic premise of this sketch and not be too over the top to ruin this sketch. C+

J.J. Casuals

Mellow pop folk songsmith Jack Johnson (Samberg) wants to sell you his special brand of “shoes that look like feet” for occasions where going barefoot is out of the question.

• Andy had an OK handle on Jack Johnsons’ voice and look but something about the impression still seemed a little…off.

• Still, the laughs from this sketch seemed to come from the grotesque visuals of people wearing hollowed out fake rubber feet instead of shoes. 

• This sounds like what little reaction it got from the crowd leaned more toward slightly disgusted groans than genuine laughter. 

• I did like the visual of a wedding between a black couple where the groom is wearing white J.J. Casuals.

• Hader playing a snooty maitre d to Forte and Dratchs’ couple was a good addition to this. C-

Joplin: Alive! Podcast 

Brendan Kern (Sudeikis) and Lane Singleton (Hader) host Joplin, Missouris’ only video podcast live from the local Bennigans off of I-69. They interview their server Janet Gentner (Wiig) who also happens to be “the girl who broke Brendan's heart” and their newly french accented pal Julian (Samberg) whos’ known for throwing the best parties in Joplin and attracting all the pretty girls…including Janet.

• Podcasts, huh? What a novel concept. 

• Wonder who was supposed to be holding the video camera?

• Anyway, this was a great showcase for just all of this season's featured players (all seemingly playing themselves to some small degree) only and functioned as a great preview of the next era before these four pretty much take over the show.

• This was surprisingly ahead of the curve as far as tech/web/new media trends go; doing a sketch about podcasts as soon as they were being discovered (hell, this was just as iPods were starting to catch on)

• Bill seems to be playing a slight cross between his characters in “Popstar” and “Hot Rod” with just a hint of Shepard Smith, John Mark Karr, Sheldon Cooper and Anthony Peter Colemans’ “Clark/biscuits and waffles” voice. It's really the exact type of character I could really see James Austin Johnson nailing today.

• Andy slipping in and out of his goofy French accent was fun. There's so much snappy dialogue in this sketch that it's hard to pick out any one line that stands out but if I had to, I'd pick the line about Janet's boyfriend partially losing his hearing in Iraq being “the best thing that ever happened to him” does stand out to me for the crowd reaction it got.

• Normally, I wouldn't be crazy about the idea of Wiigs’ character immediately going for Sambergs’ character over Sudeikis’ character in spite of the fact that she already has a boyfriend but this sketch has so much more going for it that I didn't really mind.

• I do wonder how the town of Joplin, Missouri is significant in Bill Hader’s life since it appears both in this sketch and in Barry years later. Was Bill secretly hoping that this sketch would take off and be one of his first recurring hits (maybe his “Wayne's World” or “Jarretts’ Room”)? Did he sneak “Joplin” into Barry as a way of making it up to himself that “Joplin: Alive!” didn't quite take off on SNL?

• Boy, I bet Bill would have never guessed that podcasts in general would take off so much that there would be one solely dedicated to him nearly two decades from this moment, huh? 

• Anyway, this was a great underrated deep cut that i always loved. A-

Arctic Monkeys

• Didn't really recognize “I'll Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor” or “A Certain Romance” but I liked the latter song much better.

• These guys sounded so much like a poor mans’ version if The Strokes it's like they got on the “lo-fi garage rock” train about five years too late and didn't notice how trends in 2000s indie rock were starting to move on.

• The lead singer has a British accent. Maybe they were bigger in the UK?

• Speaking of, I happened to catch the lead singer suddenly say “that man was yawning” out of nowhere. I'm assuming that wasn't an actual lyric?

• I did get a kick out of the bassist just stopping himself short if smashing the amp Who-style at the end of the second song.

Weekend Update w/Fey & Poehler 

DP World Spokesman Fahard Nassir (Sans) explains his companys’ decision to back out of managing six of busiest ports in the U.S.

Will Forte sings a song detailing how to better understand the Iraqi conflict by telling Sunnis, Shias and Kurds apart

• Oh boy, I see Tina's not done slut shaming no one in particular with that “South Dakota abortion ban joke” (and possibly that “Wal-Mart birth control joke). I would’ve liked that “exit strategy” joke more if she hadn't made that “cutesy” face afterwards. Wasn't that Amy's thing? 

• Speaking of Amy, not a lot of her jokes worked for me (except for maybe that Yanni joke?) but that Dubai joke was snide enough I was shocked Seth didn't tell it.

• Tinas’ “skating with the nieces of terrorists” joke stood out to me simply because it was almost to strange to even BE a joke. Her “sex offender/cool it with the high fives” joke probably should've been cut

• Horatio as an Arab sheik dropping Loni Anderson/J.J. Walker/GnR/Huggy Bear references is just instant white noise to me but I did get a kick out of his line “I have 15 billion dollars. To me, Donald Trump is like a homeless person.” The fact that this is too hyper topical for its own good is the least of it's problems.

• I loved Fortes’ rapid fire song having no other lyrics or context clues beyond “this is a shia/this is a sunni/this is a kurd” as it started devolving from photos of middle eastern political figures to random American politicos and celebrities to just random objects including the number 17 and ending on Forte identifying himself as a “kurd” and Kenan as a “sunni”. Typical abstract Forte nonsense echoing his and Armisens’ double act as Patrick & Gunther Kelly. C-

Vincent Price’s 1961 St. Patrick's Day Special

Vincent Price (Hader) struggles to keep his St. Patrick's Day Special under control as Don Knotts (Hammond) demands he lighten up and have fun amidst bagpipers drowning him out, Katherine Hepburn (Wiig) stealing major focus and Rod Serling (Dillon) putting him down to his face.

• I believe this episode marks the point where Bill officially lands his first rescue character. Good for him.

• I got a kick out of his explanation of a fake druid origin of St. Patrick's Day (“the feast of flaggle-flaggle-duschen”).

• Darrell, as expected, does a great job as Don “Barney Fife” Knotts. This was especially fun because it was rare to see Darrell used effectively in a non political role buried later in the show as he mostly seemed relegated to playing either Dick Cheney or Chris Matthews in cold opens by this point (or Bill Clinton, Sean Connery or Apprentice era Trump whenever they could find an excuse to sneak one of those roles in there)

• The gag with him being drowned out twice by bagpipers was played very well.

• Wiig is a great addition to this sketch as Katherine Hepburn. It's nice to see her this early in her run in impression roles that don't essentially force her to ham it up or overact.

• Dillon does a solid Rod Serling and his passive aggressive insults to Vincent Price were played expertly by both him and Bill. 

• Great sketch all around. Possible highlight of this episode as it really gives you a nice sneak peek at what the next era of SNL will bring. A-

Relaxation Tape

Frank (Dillon) is fired from a recording session for a relaxation tape for being too brusque and rough for a relaxation tape until he relentlessly guilt trips his coworkers (Armisen, Hader, Wiig) into hiring him back.

• I find it kind of funny that Bill Hader is playing the main straight role of producer (and Fred Armisen is in a lesser straight role as one if the new age hippie narrators on the tape) while Matt Dillon plays the Jersey/Sopranos tracksuit guy role that Hader and Armisen would make meals out of starting next season.

• Anyway, this had a basic yet decent enough premise that it didn't really go anywhere with. It was well acted on everyone's part. Dillon even played his character well but it seemed like he couldn't lean into it enough because it was like the writing wasn't strong enough to support what they were going for.

• I did like the brief glimpse of Amy as the confused tape listener though. C-

Appalachian Emergency Room

Various hillbillies (Hammond, Poehler, Rudolph, Thompson, Dillon, Parnell) detail their strange medical problems to the receptionist (Meyers)

• I liked Poehlers’ character admitting that her and Hammonds’ “druggie son only has a car port because someone stole his house”

• Maya and Kenans’ characters were funny (as was Parnells’ of course).

• Dillon did a serviceable “redneck accent” and his bit about “chatting up” Seth's character while his wife steals a car outfront because they can refill her saline breast implant anywhere was OK but, why was he dressed like Ace Ventura of all people?

• Did Parnell accidentally knock out a light fixture when he did his headstone there? C+

Dicicco Bros Unicornery

Fast talking high pressure salesmen Davy (Dillon) and Little Mikey (Hader) want to sell you these little magical horses

• This was definitely the funniest sketch of the night. A near perfect ten-to-one!

• commercial lists their address as being in Passaic, NJ and yet their accents are clearly more Chicagoan/Midwestern than anything and their wardrobe seems to scream “1980s Californians/very poor mans’ Miami Vice” for some reason.

• I love how Hader & Dillon just spent the entire sketch alternating between putting down the Unicorns (“look at this idiot!” “what about this dum dum?”) and touting their magical abilities (my God, the LORE of this sketch!)

• Single funniest line in this whole sketch: “Look at this bag o'donuts! It's like they took a unicorn and teeny sized it! Who would do that?” There were a lot of amazing line deliveries in this but THAT one takes the cake! One that comes a close second is “My daughter's got THREE of these stupid things! Can't get enough if ‘em! But it keeps her happy so I don't give a CRAP!” A-

Overall Thoughts 

• This was a real mixed bag of an episode that got off to a rough start but it had a solid back half thanks to the new featured players who would go on to become the shows’ core group.

• Matt Dillon was a serviceable yet forgettable host. He was fine, but didn't really elevate anything he was in so it's no mystery why he hasn't been back on the show in the past couple of decades.

Closing Thoughts 

• Well, as of this posting, we now know that SNL's next new live episode of season 50 will air two nights from tonight on March 29th with host Mikey Madison (Hey! Oscar winner! This year's best actress winner from this year's best picture! This is an excitingly big get for SNL right now!) and musical guest Morgan Wallen (fucking why? Oh well, as long as he's not also in any fucking sketches I can live with it).

• So, yeah, my next blog entry will be posted on March 30th and it will be a review of SNLs’ Mikey Madison/Morgan Wallen episode.

• As for more classic We Heart Hader reviews like these, well…we've got a few specific episodes and sketches from seasons 31 and 32 in mind. 

• Me and Deej have been tossing a few ideas around for the podcast but we don't want to give too much away just yet so we'll just have to wait until we nail down a couple of topics and recording dates down before I give you any updates on future plans. See you then!