Okay, here's my review. I'd say at best this episode was on the same level as Driver (and that might feel generous to some of you, I know). At worst, I'd say it was just a step down and was just forgetably mediocre. Both of the first two new SNL episodes felt kind of the same to me but the highs in this one weren't nearly as high. It got off to a shaky start, but aside from one sketch near the end it was pretty much smooth sailing from there. J.J. Watt as a host was pretty much the best I could've hoped for for him. He varied from sketch to sketch. Sometimes, he was well within his comfort zone and other times he was a bit stiff and reliant on cue cards (if he wasn't just flat out playing himself). Still, at least he always came across like he enjoyed being there as much as he could. Pretty much the entire cast got decent airtime (except for Alex and Chloe who were practically invisible). Let's break it down, shall we?
The Impeachment Trial You Wish Happened - This was certainly more promising than the "Days Of Our Impeachment" cold open from the Harry Styles episode, but some things were sorely lacking in execution. I'm guessing Jost and Che wrote this since Kenan as Judge Mathis just screams "this is Che's biggest contribution to this week's cold open". Good to see that Becks' portrayal of Mitch McConnell is more subtle, grounded and refreshingly unreptilian compared to Kate's even more cartoonishly flamboyant characterization of Lindesy Graham as a foppish Southern dandy. Honestly, the most interesting thing about this was Cecilys' choice to portray John Bolton as basically Jeneane Pirro on steroids (even if it still smacks of the "petty nrocon war hawk baiting/ 'lightning doesn't strike twice' denial" mentality that gave us Kate's Sessions, Aidys' AG Barr and Mathhew Broderick of all people as Mike Pompeo in the wake of McCarthy's Spicer). Hell, I remember when Carvey played a real over the top John Bolton on Colbert a while ago but as much fun as it would've been to see him again on SNL, his portrayal would've clashed with this sketch. On the plus side, I thought Pete as himself as Hunter Biden kinda worked (especially when comparing "himself" to Trump). Even Baldwin's Trump didn't seem as obnoxious here because it was the only outside cameo in this sketch (hey, great job on getting through one of these political cold opens without any new cameos, guys!) and his Trump coming clean about everything was an angle we haven't quite seen before. Kyles' impression of Joe Pesci in "My Cousin Vinny" was the only laugh I really got out of this. Thankfully, the "Send In The Clowns" number was something they decided to go light on as it leaned into SNLs' worst political tendencies. Also, for the first time in what feels like ages, Kenan delivers a solo LFNY. C+
Monologue - JJ Watt came off just a little stiff at first but he quickly gained his footing when he started talking about his family and whether he (definitely) would trade hosting SNL for the Super Bowl. Plus, he showed some real class and sportsmanship when congratulating those who DID make it to the SuperBowl. Cool to see that Watt and the writers had faith that he could handle a straight to camera solo monologue himself. B-
Frozen II Outtakes - Man, this seems WAY out of place as the lead off sketch in JJ Watts' episode, huh? At first, I thought it might have been cut from previous table reads until I realized Frozen II came out too recently for that to be the case (and they probably thought JJ Watt was the perfect host to play Prince Hans). This was all over the place and seemed like the most bloated, drawn out (no pun intended) and unfocused segment of the night. Kate and Aidy speculating on Elsa's sexuality really felt like fan service but for a specific group of fans not nearly cynical or overly critical about this show or Disney enough to even know the meaning of the term "fan service". I didn't really have any problems with the Kyle/Beck/Kenan segment but it still felt like it should've been its' own separate sketch entirely. Mikey's "Olafs' new carrot" gag felt like the only attempt at a genuine joke in this, sadly. C+
Robbie - This was when the show really started to get on the right track. It was the strongest pretape of the night. JJs' profanity and Kenans' demotivational speeches really made the whole thing for me and Chris acted off of them very well. I'm also glad they gave us more than just a one note repetitive buildup to Chris getting gruesomely mutilated after getting the chance to prove himself on the field. B+
The Talk - Kyle and JJ got this off to a funny start but Aidy kind of bought this to a slow stop for me. Still, good for Aidy for getting this part as I was expecting Cecily or Heidi to get it. For an obvious example of the type of strong "bro" humor that would attract JJ Watt's type of crowd, this was actually pretty engaging. I just think they maybe could've come up with a different ending than Aidy explaining how she "turned out" JJs' character and both of them lauding Kyle for coming out as bisexual as they seemed too tacked on and only confused the sketch. B-
Oil Of BrOlay - This was perfectly executed and felt fresh for the type of "needlessly heavily gendered/unusual athletic product that has nothing to do with athletics" genre of commercial parody SNL seems to have been doing quite frequently in recent years. It got in, established its main joke and got right out before said joke got too belabored. B+
Update was really only worth watching for the commentaries. Jost had a couple of good lines about White House emergencies not needing to be books and comparisons between himself and Jared Kushner. Hell, that segment was also notable for being one of the few times footage of Jaredd Kushner speaking in his real voice has actually been shown (instead of him with Gilbert Gottfrieds' voice dubbed over his like John Oliver was fond of doing). Still, that Trump/Can't Touch This felt a little too Trevor Noah-ish for me. If they're going to make Chen Biao a recurring character, I'm glad they made substantial changes to his character. Mainly, he is now a medical official instead of an economic figure (and he even acknowledged this change) and he is on the defensive rather than just being flamboyantly gay. The jabs at American Airlines also worked for me. Mostly, this Update was notable for giving Ego her first solo showcase and finally letting her get her own character on after a year and a half. She was very funny and her piece was creative so if she hadn't yet secured her place in this cast, she has now. B-
Pilot Hunk - It's nice to see SNL keep their continuous streak of yearly "Not!Bachelor" sketches going six years strong. I was wondering if they were going to do this with either Driver or Watt and since they didn't do this with Driver I figured we should expect this with Watt. They must've figured it would be an easier template to just drop Watt into and they must've wanted to do other things with Driver. I guess it was either that or the regular writers of these sketches aren't really able to get their "hook" on this year's Bachelor season until their second show of the new calendar year but it took quicker than that for them to realize Watt more closely resembled this seasons Male contestant than Driver did. I figured after last year's "Virgin Hunk" with James McAvoy they try to make the male characters in these sketches resemble the real life Bachelors as closely as they can. I spent most of this sketch waiting to see how they would use Chloe. Thankfully, her vestigial twin and the implied beheading of Melissa's character were the only things that stood out here to me. Also, this sketch has the distinction of being the only of these sketches to air in February instead of January. I am left wondering why the hell it aired as late in the show as it did? C+
EA Madden '21 Voiceover Session - This was honestly the funniest live piece of the night to me. I liked seeing JJ Watt shouting phrases that increasingly made him look real bad. Mikey and Ego were well used here. B+
Food Dudes - After hearing that this got cut from the previous week's show, I was one of the first to predict that we would see this make it to air in a future episode as there was no host to be seen in it. I'm glad to see that actually happen. It seemed a little more detail oriented and like more of a "writer's sketch" than was described but it was still well executed and Kenan made the whole thing for me. B+
My Fair Bigfoot - This and the cold open felt like the opposite of a lot of what we saw tonight. This was another premise that seemed interesting on paper but was severely bought down in its' execution. It could've really been something if they didn't decide to make the one central punchline of this piece "Bigfoot took a massive shit in the bathroom and everyone is very slow to catch on." Plus, Cecily's character falling in love with Bigfoot after he admits to everything and pledges to leave with her and a harp felt too tacked on for my liking. D+
Big Willie's Pizza - Well, I'm glad that this wasn't just a reprisal of Aidy's "child who obliviously ends up in an porno setting" character. They got me with the faux aged camera affect but the fact that this didn't have a faux title should've tipped me off. Instead, we got a breakdown of the most tired trope that comedy shows fall back on when they parody the general concept of porno films. It was nice to see a premise that was actually SAVED in it's writing and execution for once. I don't think I've ever seen this done elsewhere in comedy before but it felt fresh for something that seemed like it could've been cut from a few dress rehearsals in the past. Also, this was a testament to Kenan now being "the glue" of the show and seeing Heidi basically reprise her Kristen Schaal impression didn't hurt either. B+
Now, here are my updated rankings of this entire season so far...
1. Eddie Murphy/Lizzo
2. David Harbour/Camilla Cabello
3. Chance The Rapper
4. Phoebe Waller-Bridge/Taylor Swift
5. Woody Harrelson/Billie Eilish
6. Scarlett Johansson/Niall Horan
7. Adam Driver/Halsey
8. J.J. Watt/Luke Combs
9. Jennifer Lopez/DaBaby
10. Will Ferrell/King Princess
11. Harry Styles
12. Kristen Stewart/Coldplay
Well, that well exceeded my tempered expectations. Next week, RuPaul hosts for the first time. Well, it makes sense as the shows' big birthday (and possibly "going away") present to Cecily and "Drag Race" remains quite popular after nearly a decade. Still, it should be an energetic show with strong performances in spite of how "out of left field" it seems. See you then!
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